excuse my typos and poor grammsr first of all i reset ny keyboarf and its rrslly wonky (autocorrect wont work) my mother seems to be growing ill. shes always been sick with such a poor childhood but im just so fuckinh scared. by ill i mostly mean her memory has been fucke up which is normal for elder oaremys but she is so you g stoll. also uts not hust forgetting what i tell her, its forgetting like everything. she told me at work she remembered she had two children (younger sibling and i) but coukdnt remeber our names. im more pissed off at the hospital for what they did. she was never this bad before whatever shit they did to her. i finally convincered her to take therapy serously a bit ago and idk if it was because of me but i guessshe started seeing someone a bit (shes tried before but had poor experiences thats kinds why she was reluctant along with ither factors). they put her on lexapro which totally fucks her up and she hasnt been the same since. she barely even took a lot because she doesnt use meds a lot but only took some and it still ruined her. they did more that i dint think she would eant me to say (not abuse or anytjing). i just hate what they did and they wont even take reslonsibilty. the worst part is i feel like i barely care. when she asks me the same thibg for the fiftth time i just get upset and its horrible i mean shes my mother and ik upset that shes struggling wtf? i just i lige her and dont want anything to happen to hee but my stomach hasnt rrally dropped or anything in dread. i feel like i should be worried but i just feel like itll all be better even though uts been almost 6-12 months thatbshes been really struggling lately . maybe its because shes always taking everythung in the family and never having me do anything so i just subconsiouky expect her to get bettee toi but i feel kike a shit child. also ive had this feeling of death lately and uys really not helping that she does not give a fuck about her life. she tells me that we ate her only reason of living andd euthout us shed just die 😐😐 which fucking sucks bevause the only rrasin im alibe is because inknow shed go mad if i died so wtf ateast we have my sibling though. recently shes been telling me that she doesnt want kids when shes been in yhis forgetful state and i dont blame her at all i mean she is so snart genuinleu yoy think you knkw smart people but ny mom bro not even really in the academic sense i mean shes snart but nore so she can just see whats going to happen. her privlem solving skills and ability to analyze a situation and then just know the outcome is insane. idk why i still doubt her smh. i rememver onfe in year two or so she and i had an open house of the primary school snd there was a jar of whatever small item it was and she had tomd me to guess twenty. i was four off and got the dumb prize but i just rememver being so happy with her while she coyld not care less. i dont think she really put thiugbt into it actually but i still think that was super cool im sk tired and a shit ton of homewotk but i just dont know ehat to di she keeps talking of dying and what i would do if she died? idfk kill musslf but i have a sibling so i mind of cant just leave them. she has coddled me so much that i feel mike i csnt do shit i dont hsve chores kf anything and i feel i also am a brat and just again subconiosuly expect her to get thru anything. she is strong snf has gone thru a LOT LIKE like no doubt she can iys just she doesnt deserve it she also has a heart of gold. i rememver learning that phrase and immediately thonking of her. im just ramblonh about my mom ay this point but i really cant hanfle losing her . im hust wauting for my family to pass so i can die which sounds horrible because i dont wsnt then tk die but at the same time you know. but id suffer forever if it was for them they dont deserve me . i feel like the white crow of the family in the sense that these are some kind -hearted individuals that are loyal and hard-working while im just a fat fucking shit i feel like Satan trying on wings in front of God and His son Jesus 🫩