it is very possible im easily recognisable by how i type n for all the cringe things ive said here in the past i absolutely apologise :/ i came with an update, since ive been back here i did want to expand on things ive once said. lets say i have moved past my crush my best friend!,1!!!! at least id like to say so, but im definitely closer to it ^_^, it hurts a lot less to think about her now, I don't experience panic attacks around her anymore n I feel far safer around her. I harbour bittersweet feelings for what could have been,, but alas in the future or perhaps a different life. right person n the wrong circumstances,, in a sense? I'm more neutral on it now. I guess if not she's my platonic soulmate for the rest of my days alive. My favourite person, her name is ashal, she's the sweetest girl ever, my polar opposite n best friend of 3 years, we've moved along in life together, n she's helped drag me along. things have changed a bit,, but for the better. C: she no longer experiences suicidal ideation n she actually sees a future for herself, .. meanwhile.. i am still going through the slumps of likely undiagnosed depression, suicidal ideation, self harm, disordered eating to name a few. however,, ive finally been given access to therapy, after all these years of waiting, this summer actually. gosh i almost treat this like a silly blog its quite wholesome aaaahhhw </3 she gives me a reason to keep going, n im helping her through her issues as well, as everything else. She has a huge soft spot n for me n I'm soso grateful for her. She's a cold, rude, distant person to most people, but somehow I have her whole trust. She says I'm the sunshine in her life n she melts my heart a lot. that's it what I mean by us being very very different people,, I'm a very expressive, loud, sensitive soul,, but somehow we compliment each other perfectly, doesn't mean I'm not flawed, or we agree on everything...we talk it out anyways, one day I'm gonna meet her n give her the biggest hug ever,,, even when there are dark clouds in the sky,, the sun can still shine through it, and if you cant find the light yourself then let me guide you to it." this is honestly one of the love letters ive left for her across every place of my life ive encountered, even if she'll never know,, it doesnt matter. i love her to the whole world n back n tell her how cool i think she is every chance i get. "Know that i will always cheer you on when you are at your lowest because i know you can surpass anything thats bothering you. I love you very very much, mwah mwah <3" I love you too ashal, i forever will. she's so heavily intertwined with my heart I can't not talk about the good things in my life without talking about her, n to the person I see her being a lovebird with, willow (joke) I love you a lot as well, you're a great mutual friend n like an older sister to me. i dont think ill ever fully get over you ashal, a tiny part of me would take a partnership with you but thats for another life or a dream where there were never restrictions set on us or being inable n we could have what we wanted,, my love for you is so big i view you as a friend, family n just quite intimately, i do adore you, in whatever way it is i feel it,, but that doesnt really matter that much anyways, what matters is now n what we have, n what you want,, which ill treasure you forevermore dear ashi. my love my heart, my bestfriend n my inspiration n muse for my art n poetry, my favourite person n my reason to see stars in the sky, flowers n sunshine in the summer sky, everywhere i go, ill think of you. i cant wait to celebrate my birthday in october with you, < ill eat cake n ill yap your ears off, we can play games n youll make me smile